Live ChatDomestic abuse can affect anyone, regardless of gender, age, sexuality, rank, role, or background. It’s estimated that more than 3,000 men in the Armed Forces are experiencing domestic abuse at any one time.
Here, RAF Personal Support and Social Work Service Welfare Officer Juliet Osborne shares her insight into the issue and offers advice for male victims and the people supporting them. Importantly, as with domestic abuse directed at women, support from welfare officers is open to civilian partners and spouses - not just serving RAF personnel - in both opposite-sex and same-sex couples.
Male victims of domestic abuse (DA) in the military are not rare, and recognising and supporting them is a vital part of my role as a Welfare Officer. I aim to create a safe space where they can speak openly and without judgement. Since taking on this work, I’ve supported more male victims of DA than female victims. This was a real eye-opener for me.
One of the hardest parts of the job is helping someone recognise that they’re a victim when they’re either unaware or in denial.
For men serving in the UK Armed Forces, asking for help can feel especially difficult. Many worry about what others might think or how it could affect their career. In my experience, a common fear is that no-one will believe them.
When supporting male victims, they often say people assume they should be able to defend themselves, or that others make light of what is happening. They may fear looking weak, or believe that seeking help could damage their career or reputation. Many feel deep shame and a sense that they “should have been able to stop it”. That makes talking about the abuse incredibly hard.
Well-meaning comments such as “You’re stronger than her” or “Why don’t you just leave?” can intensify that shame, even when no harm is intended.
DA often leaves no visible injuries. In the cases I’ve supported, there have been examples of physical violence, coercive control, isolation, and food deprivation. These experiences commonly lead to fear, anxiety, low self-esteem, and lasting emotional distress.
The impact - physical, mental, and emotional - can be profound. Stress can make it harder to work and manage daily life, leaving people feeling dependent and powerless.
Someone may appear to be coping while privately struggling, especially men. Many will insist everything is fine simply because they’re still performing their duties. Behind the scenes they may be dealing with financial difficulties, constant worry about their children, fear of returning home, time off work due to stress, increasing difficulty making decisions, the need to conceal evidence of abuse, or withdrawal from colleagues, friends, and family.
For serving fathers, threats involving their children can be particularly devastating. An abusive partner may say things like “You’ll never see the children again,” or threaten to stop contact if the victim leaves, reports the abuse, or refuses to comply. This can leave the person feeling trapped and torn between protecting themselves and remaining present in their children’s lives. Many worry that asking for help will lead to the very outcome they fear most: losing contact with their children.
As a Welfare Officer, I’ve found that specialist help for men can be limited or hard to locate.
Many services are designed or advertised with female victims in mind, and availability varies by area, leaving some men unsure where to turn. This is where SSAFA can act as a vital first point of support and response.
How someone responds when a victim opens up can make a real difference. The most important thing is for the victim to be listened to without judgement and for what he says to be taken seriously. This is what we do.
Receiving the right response helps build trust and creates a safe space where he feels able to talk freely, without feeling weak or at fault.
For friends and colleagues supporting a male victim who is still coming to terms with what is happening, language matters. They might use these or similar phrases, choosing words that fit their relationship with him:
- “I’m glad you told me.”
- “You’re not imagining it.”
- “You don’t have to deal with this on your own.”
- “Let’s look at what support is available and how SSAFA can help.”
A victim may be telling someone about the abuse for the first time. Sharing the experience can bring both relief and strong emotion, so giving him unrushed time and space to express those feelings is essential.
My priority as a Welfare Officer is always immediate safety and safeguarding, especially where there are threats, stalking, escalating behaviour, violence, or concerns about children.
It’s also important to be clear about confidentiality and its limits, rather than promising complete confidentiality when safeguarding or legal duties may apply. Transparency and honesty, while ensuring he feels heard and valued, are key.
No-one, regardless of gender, should have to choose between their own safety and their children, endure deprivation as a form of control, or have their suffering dismissed because there are no visible injuries.
If you are a male victim of domestic abuse, you’re not weak, and asking for help is not a failure.
For serving personnel, access to appropriate support without shame or judgement can be critical. By recognising the many forms domestic abuse can take, listening when men disclose their experiences, and ensuring specialist support is genuinely accessible, SSAFA helps military victims regain safety, dignity, and control over their lives.
You can also read our Support Spotlight: Domestic Abuse Awareness article for more general information about Domestic Abuse.
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