Live ChatAfter adopting their daughter Star through a local authority, former RAF engineer Laurence and Beccy Bartley, from Somerset turned to SSAFA when they decided to adopt again.
They describe their experiences of adopting as a military family, the shock and worry of their son Jack’s hole in the heart diagnosis and how SSAFA has helped them through it all.
An RAF engineer for almost 27 years, Laurence Bartley’s military postings and deployments took him overseas and all around the UK. It’s fair to say he’s used to moving.
“Not as much as some people, but enough to always keep life very disjointed!” he says.
Laurence joined up in the 1980s as a mechanic looking after Canberras and then Tornado jets before accepting an officer commission and working with Nimrods and VC10s. He now works for the civil service.
He was serving in Cambridgeshire when, volunteering with the local scout group, he met cub leader Beccy.
“We were paired up together because I was one of the more experienced leaders and Beccy was one of the more junior,” he says. “So, we met purely by fluke. I gave Beccy a lift home because I had a car, we got talking and one thing led to another.”
“We clicked,” says Beccy. “And we had a common interest in scouting and providing children with opportunities a lot of them wouldn’t have otherwise. I wasn’t even fully aware that Laurence was in the RAF.”
The doctor delivered me in his full mess kit!
A civilian herself, Beccy had her first brush with the air force very early in life.
“I was born at RAF Ely hospital at two o'clock in the morning on the night of the summer ball,” she says. “The doctor who delivered me was actually in his full mess kit! So, I was probably destined to end up with someone in the military!”
“One of the biggest shocks for me when we got married was the fact that I was going to be moving away. My family was East Anglia-based, so the thought of being a distance away was 'Oh my goodness, is this really going to work?' For the first move to then be to the north of Scotland was rather a shock to the system!
It was in Scotland that the couple discovered they had fertility issues.
“After two years of marriage, we had been trying for children, but things weren't happening.” Beccy recalls. “Having all the investigations done and being told that yes, there were fertility issues without a family support network was very difficult.”
After moving to Oxfordshire, the couple were told their best chance for a child was IVF and an egg donor.
“The fertility unit was within the women's centre of the local hospital, and you had to walk through the café area, which was also accessed by every single person that just had a baby.” Beccy remembers.
My legs went.
“As we walked through all the newborn babies with mums, my legs went! It was only because Laurence was holding me that I wasn't in a lump on the floor. By that point, we had spent four years undergoing different investigations and I just said, ‘I can't do any more.’"
Instead, they decided to adopt through their local authority but found the system struggled to accommodate the demands of military life.
“For instance, we had a problem with a prep course where we attended one part and then we couldn't attend the next part because of Laurence’s work commitments,” says Beccy.
“It’s a lack of understanding that the military is very hierarchical and not comparable to normal business,” explains Laurence. “In 2005 when we were going through this, Operation Telic was still in full swing. I couldn’t say I can’t do my duty to support Op Telic transportation this week I have because I've got to do an adoption interview. That doesn't work in the military.”
“During my military career, I took part in Gulf War One, Afghanistan and Iraq, and when you are supporting those operations, they are the priority.”
In 2006, they were sent a possible match: a two-year-old girl called Star.
“The local authority was chasing,” says Beccy. “They were going to send us the paperwork and saying, ‘We need an answer!' I said I needed to speak to my husband, and they asked ''But why haven't you spoken to him?'."
On the other side of the world with no phone.
It was easier said than done. Laurence was on the other side of the world with no phone connection. On October 9, North Korea successfully tested its first nuclear weapon and Laurence had been suddenly deployed to Okinawa, Japan, as part of the UK’s response.
“We saw the news on Monday morning and at 5 o'clock Tuesday morning Laurence left,” says Beccy.
“Five days after he’d gone, Laurence was allowed one five-minute phone call home. I remember the call like it was yesterday. I said: ‘There's a load of information but only one grainy photo. All you can see is her smile. The local authority wants an answer. Laurence said, ‘What is your gut telling you? What do you think?’ And I said, ‘I think we need to go ahead. He said, ‘Phone them and say yes. They're pushing for an answer. We need to give an answer.’”
“Obviously, they want to move that child into its adoptive family as fast as possible and they felt at the time we were the better match,” says Laurence. “But if we weren't going to givethem an answer, they would offer her to somebody else. So, from their point of view, they're trying to get an answer. But in our personal life. It was perfectly the wrong time!”
They were united with Star the following year and another move followed, this time to Somerset. When Beccy began to feel isolated at home looking after Star’s complex needs, SSAFA volunteers stepped in to support her.
“They said, 'Did you know SSAFA have an adoption agency?'” said Beccy. “It wasn't something we were aware of. So, when the time was right, we decided we would approach SSAFA to adopt again.”
That time came just a few years later. After their experiences adopting Star through a local authority, they found SSAFA’s service better geared to the military lifestyle.
“The understanding of SSAFA people made a big difference,” explains Beccy. “SSAFA is far more flexible. They came to us a lot more.”
Local authorities just do not get the military.
“Local authorities just do not get the military,” says Laurence. “It's simple things like, 'Where's your local support network? You've got no family nearby?'. But I can go to any of my neighbours and say I need help and I guarantee I'll get it. There's that community spirit. SSAFA understood we’ve got other people who substitute that role locally if we need them to.
“It’s understanding that I may be away for six months and potentially uncontactable. And for security reasons they may not even know what part of the world I'm in. So Beccy is effectively a single parent for 6 months of the year and away from the family. You didn't have to explain that situation with SSAFA, because that's standard military life. And the flip side is many in the community are in the same position and willing to help.
“On SSAFA’s courses you're mixing with people from a military community, talking a language everyone understands instantly. With the civilian community, you have to explain all the time.
“We all accept that our lives will change when the adoption goes through and you've got to plan for those changes, but in the military, at least one of the couples is going to stay in full-time work after the adoption move, and that's going to have implications.
“And depending on the attitude of the local authorities accepting adopted children from other authorities, you've always got an issue. But if you've got SSAFA as your connection, they are there to help you bridge that."
We've always got SSAFA to come back to.
“SSAFA is used to dealing with things nationally and you’re always talking to the same group of people. When military people adopt with a local authority then move away, those contacts break down. But we've always got SSAFA to come back to.”
With the help of their SSAFA social worker Jill, Beccy and Laurence became parents again, to three-year-old Jack, in 2012.
“Jill became that extended family member. Someone you could ask questions and confide in when you need to talk through issues,” says Laurence.
Beccy agrees: “So we could meet Jack for the first time without Star, Jill said, ‘Bring her to me’ and they had the day watching movies together!”
“Star has needs with autism, agoraphobia but at the time that was not known,” says Laurence. “We just knew we had issues with her getting to know and trust people. But she got to trust Jill.”
Jill’s experience and knowledge also enabled the couple to access more help for Star.
“As part of the process, Jill was helping us fill in the financial forms and said, 'You haven't put down Disability Living Allowance,' and I looked at her and went, 'Pardon?'
“'You're delivering Star's needs; she should be getting it.'
“Nobody had ever told us we were entitled to any form of benefit!”
Beccy and Laurence met their little boy for the first time at his foster carer’s home in Yorkshire.
“He was stood on the kitchen table looking out the window saying 'Mummy, Daddy, Mummy, Daddy!'” remembers Beccy.
Jack literally jumped into our arms.
“Jack literally jumped into our arms,” Laurence adds. “He had been with his foster carer Pat since birth. We were so lucky with her,” says Laurence. “She was very experienced at having children move on for adoption, so Jack was all prepped and ready to come to be with us."
When they took Jack to his final nursery session, he couldn’t wait to show off his new parents to the staff and children.
Beccy recalls: “He was telling his friends: ‘This is Mummy and Daddy! I’m going to live with Mummy and Daddy!’ And that was within an hour and a half of meeting him. He was our little boy!”
“It was one of those moments where you just go silent,” says Laurence. “Did that just really happen? No one wants to speak. It might ruin it.”
“When he met his big sister Star it was, 'That's Star! That's my sister!'” says Beccy. “If our match didn't go ahead, they were looking at long-term foster care for Jack, but he's actually been our easier child. We were prepared for what we were taking on.”
“And not just by SSAFA,” agrees Laurence. “But, because of our experiences with Star. You have a second child; you're better prepared the second time.”
Four years ago, they received some bad news from Jack’s sibling’s adopters: His birth mother had died suddenly from a heart condition.
Worried that Jack may have inherited the same problem, Laurence and Beccy made a hospital appointment.
He has a hole in his heart.
“After they scanned his heart, I took Jack over for what I thought was a routine checkup and the consultant said: 'He has a hole in his heart, and there are three sizes, there's small, medium, and large. Small close on their own, medium we can do medication, large is an operation. Jack falls into the latter category and we strongly recommend that there is an operation. There is a very significant risk of him having a pulmonary aneurysm if the hole isn't closed.’
“I was in shock. Jack had no symptoms! How I drove back home that day, I haven't got a clue."
In 2020, Beccy took Jack to the children’s hospital in Bristol for more tests.
“It was during Covid so I could only go on my own,” she recalls. “They said: ‘Jack's got two holes and a restricted artery. We can operate on all three, but that is open heart surgery. The bottom fell out of my world at that moment.”
Within days, Jack was admitted.
“I signed the consent form in case they needed to go for open heart surgery and stayed with Jack while he was put under to go down to theatre,” Beccy remembers. “Two hours later, I'm back in Jack's room. But there’s no sign of Jack."
That feeling of complete and utter panic.
“That feeling of complete and utter panic that there was nothing I could do, cemented how much he is our child. Biologically, no. Legally, yes. But emotionally, he is our child. If I could have been in there instead of him, I would have been.
“It was another 45 minutes before Jack came out of theatre. They had managed to operate without open heart surgery. He was dozy to start with. I sat on his bed giving him a cuddle.”
Today Jack is doing well and waiting for another heart operation.
“A lot of families who adopt think they need to break away their contact from the previous family,” said Laurence. “But if we hadn’t maintained contact with Jack’s family roots, we may not have known until it was too late. We would have probably only found out when he collapsed with a heart attack. And we were able to share information with siblings and wider family who needed to be aware.”
The Bartley family are now settled in Somerset. Star has turned 18 and Jack is 15. Laurence left the RAF in 2014 and now works for the MOD. Beccy works in a school as a special needs Learning Support Assistant. Would they recommend SSAFA’s adoption service to other military families?
“We have!” says Beccy.
“On numerous occasions,” says Laurence. “We've always said that if you're a military family, SSAFA should be your first port of call for adoption.
“SSAFA’s support, with the complications of education requirements, medical requirements and just being able to have somebody to talk to and ask for advice, has been invaluable in keeping our sanity at times!
“Without SSAFA as our adoption agency, I don’t think we would have adopted for a second time. And even though Star wasn’t placed with SSAFA, they have helped us with her as well. We can’t thank SSAFA enough.”
